


Staying Sane

by traitorsinlove



Series: For The Love of Bellarke [18]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Blake - Freeform, Bellarke, Clarke Griffin - Freeform, F/M, Post S4, post reunion fic, prompt request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 00:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traitorsinlove/pseuds/traitorsinlove
Summary: This was a prompt requested to an anon on Tumblr. I apologize to my followers, especially those who sent in prompts, because I’ve been crazy busy and haven’t checked my inbox in some time. So I am sorry for the delay in delivering the finished product. Hopefully, this is satisfactory to what you were hoping for. Thanks for the patience and the continued support!Prompt: They never really talk about what happened up in the Sky Box or in solitary much on the show (except for in the few flashbacks we have seen). How about a fic where Clarke and Bellamy are talking about what happened in solitary or how it was like living in solitary. Maybe she is kind of reluctant to talk about it or something. Idk. -anonymous





	Staying Sane

Clarke sat hunched on a fallen log near the campfire as she gazed into the vibrant, flickering flames. Her gaze travelled up to the stars overhead, glittering across the night sky. It had been two months since she and her friends had been reunited, and their lives were beginning to find some semblance of calm routine.

There were no more wars to be fought, no more alliances for the parameters to be debated on. There was only the laughter mixed with warmth from the band of friends living off the lush earth that hadn’t been scorched by Praimfaya six years ago.

Clarke heard a twig snap to her right and glanced over to see Bellamy walking towards her, a smirk on his lips as he handed her a tin cup of Monty’s moonshine.

“You looked like you could use a drink.” He commented quietly.

“Thanks.” Clarke smiled softly as she took the cup from his hand and sipped the burning liquid slowly.

Clarke thought back to a time when she wouldn’t have troubled herself with alcohol, being weighed down with the burden of their people’s lives on her shoulders. It felt like another lifetime, but had only been a handful of years ago in reality.

Bellamy took a seat beside her on the log, their knees barely brushing together. That gentle touch was just enough to remind Clarke that this was _real._

Bellamy was _real_.

They all were.

Clarke had spent countless nights thinking that she had failed her friends in the last duty she had been tasked with, and that thought had plagued her for years, despite the small spark of hope that she clung to like a lifeline.

She felt a nudge on her knee and glanced at the man beside her.

“Quit thinking so loud, Clarke.” Bellamy murmured. He was smirking, but his eyes held a somber quality that Clarke couldn’t escape.

Clarke smiled sadly and sighed. “I can’t help it, Bellamy. I was on my own for so long… Even after I found Madi, it wasn’t the same…”

Bellamy nodded softly beside her, his dark eyes searching the night sky as he thought.

The pair had been reacquainting themselves over the past few weeks. There had once been a time when they could read the other like their favorite text in a book. Now, things were different between them. Perhaps it was the time, or perhaps it was the fear and mourning they had both endured over the past six years apart. Clarke thought that perhaps it was both.

They had yet to discuss everything that they had endured—both physically and emotionally—in their years apart. Clarke suspected that was where Bellamy’s mind was wandering now.

Finally, Bellamy broke the moment of silence.

“What was it like?” His voice was soft before it cracked on the last word.

Clarke shut her eyes at hearing the dejected tone in his voice. She didn’t need to ask for any elaboration, she knew what he meant and what he was thinking.

“It wasn’t your fault, Bellamy.” Clarke whispered, her eyes remaining closed as she spoke.

Bellamy remained silent, not quite accepting her words but not exactly rejecting them either. His dark eyes stared into the flames before blinking in thought.

“I left you behind.” He whispered brokenly. Clarke could hear the emotion threatening to overtake his voice, and she clasped his large hand in her own small one, the contrast of their skin tones stark in the firelight.

“Bellamy,” Clarke turned to him, silently pleading with him to look at her. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to wait. If you had, we both wouldn’t be here today—none of us would. And that would be something that I couldn’t forgive you for. But you _not_ waiting for me? There was never anything to forgive. It was never anyone’s fault, Bellamy. I need you to understand that.” Clarke shook her head softly, trying to make this stubborn, strong man understand.

Bellamy nodded silently, slowly processing the words she had spoken. He sniffed quietly before running a hand down his face, the other still holding firmly onto Clarke’s.

The thought that he had left her on a burning planet to face death alone made Bellamy sick, even now with Clarke alive and well beside him. He had never forgiven himself for abandoning her that day, even though the logical part of his brain _knew_ that it was what Clarke would have wanted. Bellamy _knew_ that she would have killed him had he waited, putting their friends lives on the line in exchange for hers. She never would have forgiven him for that. Bellamy knew it was along the same lines as when Clarke held a gun to his chest, refusing him allowance to open the bunker door. She was unwilling to sacrifice him for humanity, and neither was he. That road went both ways, and they both knew that; it didn’t need to be verbalized.

But the difference was that he _had_. Or at least thought he had, for years. Now, the bold presence of the blonde beside him was solid proof that he had made the right decision.

“I didn’t answer your question, though, did I?” Clarke smirked, casting a glance at Bellamy.

Bellamy chuckled at her expression before sighing. “No, you didn’t.”

“What was it like?” She repeated his question in the night air as she thought about how to answer that. “Before Madi… It was like being in solitary in the Sky Box all over again.”

Her quiet admission startled Bellamy. He turned to Clarke with wide eyes, focusing on how she stared softly into the fire, how her jaw clenched softly, how her brows knitted together slowly.

Bellamy swallowed, patiently waiting for her to continue.

Clarke’s eyes began wandering over the numerous orange spikes of the fire as she spoke.

“At first, it wasn’t terrible. I stayed in the lab for a few days, I gave my body some time to heal before trying to go outside again. I tried to keep my mind busy with gathering supplies to make it back to the mainland. Eventually though, the silence caught up to me… You can’t imagine what it’s like, Bell,” Clarke felt a single tear leak from the corner of her eye and trail down her face. “It wasn’t just that there was no one with me. There were no animals, no bugs, _nothing_. Silence like that drives people crazy.”

Clarke drew in a deep breath and wiped her face quickly with her free hand. Bellamy gave her hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze with his, silently telling her that he was here, she wasn’t alone anymore.

“Even in solitary, there was machine hum, the air circulating through the vents, footfalls outside my cell… But down here, on my own, it was worse. The days were filled with nothing but _my_ footsteps, the air going through _my_ lungs, and there wasn’t the familiar hum of bugs to lull me to sleep at night. Most people enjoy silence because it’s calming, but after everything we went through… Silence is unsettling, especially when you’re the last person on Earth.”

Bellamy nodded in understanding. Granted, he didn’t understand what it was like to be completely and utterly alone. He had had the other six people in the ring with him; he was able to have a human connection for the past six years. Clarke had endured over 365 days without speaking to another human being, without having physical contact with another living soul, without being comforted by another human presence, and that thought twisted Bellamy’s gut relentlessly.

He felt the all too familiar burn of tears in his eyes and rapidly blinked them away before sniffling loudly. Bellamy cleared his throat before speaking.

“You shouldn’t have had to be alone down here—for any amount of time. You were alone for over a year, you shouldn’t have been alone for a day, not even a minute,” Bellamy shook his head vehemently. “I wanted to stay. When I closed the rocket door and the blast doors started closing, everything in me was screaming to get out of that ship and find you…”

“If you’d stayed, you’d be dead now.” Clarke reminded him gently, her hand moving to his shoulder.

“I know,” Bellamy sighed. “I just wish there had been a way I could have been there for you, Princess.”

Clarke smiled at the familiar nickname, a feeling of comfort engulfing her and swarming in her chest. It had been over six years since she had last heard Bellamy use it, and she hadn’t realized how much she had missed the familiar sound of the word on Bellamy’s lips.

“You were.” Clarke murmured, her eyes dancing in the firelight.

Bellamy simply stared at the courageous woman beside him, words escaping him.

Clarke chuckled at the bewildered expression on Bellamy’s face before answering quietly. “I radioed you every day for almost six years,” She wove her arm through his gently. “You were there for me, Bellamy, even if you didn’t know it. I was still breathing, so I held onto that hope.”

Bellamy felt silent tears fall from his eyes, landing softly in his lap, as his shoulders shook.

Clarke rested her head on his broad shoulder, her presence reassuring him that their choices had been the right ones. The silent communication they shared with each other wasn’t something they fully understood, they only knew that it was _there_.

Bellamy allowed his walls—the walls he had reconstructed since Clarke’s supposed death—to crumble once and for all in front of the blonde at his side. His sobs muffled as he turned to her, burying his face in her neck as he released the guilt, the loss, the pain of the last six years without the woman he loved.

Clarke felt her eyes beginning to burn at the sound of Bellamy’s tormented cries. He had placed so much responsibility on himself for the past six years, responsibility that Clarke felt somewhat responsible for placing on his broad shoulders. After all, she had told him to use his head rather than just relying on his heart to lead their people. A part of her _had_ felt guilty for not being there with him to help him shoulder the trials faced in space, but Praimfaya had had other plans for her that day.

“I’m here, Bellamy,” Clarke soothed gently, her voice thrumming through his chest in calming waves. “You don’t have to keep protecting yourself, the threats are gone, Bell. It’s just us now. You don’t have to do this alone.”

Clarke’s mind soared to another day, ages ago when the scent of death hung in the air and froze in Clarke’s lungs. The sun was shining, their people were free of the Mountain, but Clarke was in a dismal gray of self-deprecation. Bellamy had spoken those words to her in a desperate attempt to stay with their people, to stay with _him_. Now, Clarke used those words to reassure Bellamy of the present, and of the future.

Bellamy’s cries quieted, and Clarke felt the rough callouses on Bellamy’s palm against her cheek. She closed her eyes at the soft touch, relishing in the intimacy of the act. Bellamy’s head rose and his dark eyes searched her face desperately before resting on her lips.

Clarke felt her heart race and her cheek warm beneath Bellamy’s hand. Bellamy’s eyes softened as they met hers, his Adam’s apple trembling slightly as he leaned closer. His head dipped slightly as his eyes fell closed, and Clarke’s breath froze in her throat. As Bellamy’s lips gently brushed against hers, Clarke’s eyes fluttered closed, and she bathed in the simplistic intimacy of the kiss.

They pulled away slowly, neither one ready to end it, but both needing oxygen. Clarke’s eyes remained closed and she felt Bellamy’s head rest on hers, his hand still gently cupping her face as his breath fanned across her skin. Clarke finally willed herself to breathe, terrified that maybe she had just dreamt the moment into existence.

Bellamy saw Clarke’s eyes open slowly, comfort and adoration shining brightly in them. He smiled softly, his eyes roaming every detail of her face as he willed himself to memorize every feature that was Clarke. He never wanted to take her vibrancy or her beautiful determination for granted, and that started by fixing every singular feature firmly into place in his mind’s eye.

“I think that’s about six years overdue, don’t you?” Bellamy smirked, his brown eyes playful.

Clarke laughed heartily, noting the warmth that saturated her heart in Bellamy’s arms.

“I think it was well worth the wait.” Clarke smiled before pressing her lips softly to his once again.

She couldn’t change what had happened, neither of them could. All they could do now was move forward and build a stronger, better life—together.

**Author's Note:**

> I sincerely loved writing this fic. I love having my heartstrings tugged, as many of you know, so when I write something that moves me, I enjoy that immensely. A few things that I didn’t even realize until I finished this fic… 1) Clarke spent a year in solitary at the beginning of the show and she spent a year on her own after the Death Wave. Interesting parallel I saw as I wrote this. 2) Not to toot my own horn or anything, I just feel like I captured the “mom” side of Clarke really well in how she comforts Bellamy. We know from the panels and interviews that Clarke becomes more of a motherly figure with Madi over the years, so I tried to emulate that in this fic.   
> Please let me know what you guys think. I’m eager to hear your feedback. I know that it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything or updated my stories, so I appreciate the patience. I am working on making more time for writing, I promise!


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